How Am I Doing? A COVID-19 Check-in

I’m going to start by saying that I realize that there are many people in the world who are feeling very different from the ways that I talk about myself in this piece. Since I know that there are people reading this who do not know me, you should know that I try not to live in comparison to other people. The only person that I can realistically compare myself to is myself.

During a mental health check, I’m asking myself how I’m doing in comparison to how I’ve been in the past. I feel like this framing needs to be stated because, I can see how it may sound like I’m living carefree and skipping through fields of flowers and puppies all day long. Honestly, sometimes life feels like that, but in comparison to where I’ve been. I'm sharing where I am in comparison to where I was, and I hope that whoever reads this fully understands that. OK, we all good now? Keep reading.

May is #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth.

“I hope that everyone is keeping safe and healthy” is the common opening to messages these days. And as general as that statement feels, when I write it, I don’t think about whether or not the recipient has a fever or dry cough. I’m hoping that they are feeling good mentally and spiritually. I’m praying that their spirit is lifted and that they’re not reading my email through tears or depression because of everything happening both within and in the world around them. “I hope that everyone is safe and healthy.” I’m so used to writing to make sure that everyone else is okay that I sometimes forget to look at my own experience and share that. The world is now in a weird unexpected place and there is no better time to do a self-checkup (from the neck up) and get a feel for where I am. So here goes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the way that 2020 started. If I leave it to my social media feed, I’ll enter May thinking that this whole year has been a wreck so far. But as I scroll through the photos in my phone, I am quickly reminded that this year began with the BEST of bangs after what felt like a few months of my own personal “pandemic” and quarantine at the end of 2019.

My 2020 literally began in Paris, France. I remember the short, chilly walk from my hotel, down Champs-Elysees to the Arc de Triomphe to watch the fireworks. My sister and I left our boyfriend/international love interest, respectively, in the States and London for some much-needed sister time. After a few days of trekking through the city, museum visits, and shopping, we began the new year with nips and Burger King, dancing in the street with francophone strangers, and we ended the night way too early to make it sound like a cooler story.

We finished the trip with a few days in London, where I shopped some more, spent time with my English bloke (I love saying that), and played phone tag with a Boston Herald reporter who wanted my thoughts on something that I didn’t even realize had gone public. Needless to say, I reluctantly returned home to the States after a beautiful start to the new year.

Once I returned, I had a week-long break before starting in a new position. Things were going well, I spent three days in the office, worked from home once a week, and I spent Fridays at the bougiest coworking space I could ever imagine (snacks galore). I was doing well even though I had just began in my role: working on some new curriculum, heading up a new strategic partnership with a major university partner- things were going great.

And around the beginning of February, I decided to check out some dating apps. A couple of weeks later, I changed my mind (I’m sure there will be future posts about that trash experience). Things were going really well for me. I was beginning to feel like the end of 2019 had to be the tragic introduction to this strong and sexy beginning of 2020, and it felt that way up until the pandemic hit.

Now, I’m working from home full-time. This is an option that I have always wanted for myself, but it is a little different from what I expected, Lord. I’m blessed to have a job that allows me to work remotely without any adverse effect on my income, and that is something that I try to keep in mind whenever I feel myself about to complain or feel some kind of way about the situation. I live at home (I can write more about that later, too), and both of my parents are also working from home. Spending so much time indoors is not an issue for me, but the difference is that there is no other option of anywhere else to go.

In case you haven’t noticed, I thrive on choice. I like my options. I’m spoiled. Rotten. And that’s where the mental health check comes in for me. How am I doing now that I can’t do whatever I want, go wherever I want, or spend time with whomever I want? I’m doing okay. I have kept my sharing about how “okay” I’m doing at a minimum because I know that there are way more people who are not able to say the same. I have friends who lost their jobs, are now spending way more time at home with their kids, and are trying to figure out so many other life contingency plans that they never saw coming. I know of people who unexpectedly lost close family members to COVID-19. I have family members who have been sick and one that I know of who is in the hospital. I know of people who are still required to go to work and expose themselves to this virus as “essential workers.”

As we were warned, this virus is hitting everyone close to home in one way or another. Even though I feel fine, I cannot ignore the changes that are taking place around me. I work in education and distance learning has been something with which I am forced to become quickly acclimated. I’m planning ELA curriculum that has to translate across computer, tablet, and phone screens as opposed to a face-to-face classroom space. I’m meeting my coworkers’ kids and spouses as they walk through the backgrounds of Zoom meetings and ask “Where is the cheese?” in the noise of conference calls. The world is changing so quickly, and as okay as I feel, I’m beginning to notice the not-so-okay moments.

Those moments come at night, especially on Fridays and Saturdays when I would normally be debating whether or not to visit one of the two lounge spots that my friends and I frequent for overpriced glasses of wine and pointless flirting. I’m forced to snap back to reality: that it’s me and one of the subscription services- Netflix, Xfinity, Hulu, or Disney Plus- just like it’s been for the past month or so. Those moments also come when I notice that one or both of my parents (both are high-risk for this virus as senior citizens and one with a compromised immune system) have slipped out of the house to run “normal” errands like go to the grocery store or post office. The not-so-okay moments come when I think of all the big and small travel plans that I had for the summer and early fall to celebrate marriages and birthdays and spend time at beaches, rooftops, and day parties. And I know that our post-COVID world will never be the same for better or worse.

I’m watching my friends’ babies grow up on social media. I’m seeing all of us find ways to pass the time both productively and necessarily. I’m hip to the ways that so many of us are taking advantage of money-making opportunities as well as making use of side hustles while time is on some of our sides. It’s a strange time to be alive and well and I’m doing what I can to help those who I know are in need. I can’t recall how much money I have donated to help people buy groceries, support virtual galas, contribute to funeral costs, or help others pay bills. But at a time when I feel like my kind words and prayers are not enough to help people get through, my contributions are small tokens of my faith in action.

I’m learning that it doesn’t take much to keep me smiling and I’ve always been one who could see the bright side of things. I’m keeping fresh flowers in my space, tending to my plants (a necessary work because some were very neglected), and resting when I need to. I’m still working a full-time job but I’m also working in a world that has been hit with an unexpected, unprecedented, and unpredictable pandemic that is ravaging our former way of being. That means that I take the nap when I need it. I take more frequent walks with the dog so that I get fresh air, exercise, and time to think and talk alone with God as I walk through my neighborhood’s empty streets. I unfollow, mute, and unfriend social media that makes me feel anxious, overwhelmed, or misinformed about the everchanging developments in the news. It has always been important that I preserve my peace, and though it is more difficult to do so now, I do everything that I can to maintain a healthy headspace.

During this month, I hope that we can all do just that. Check yourself to make sure that you’re doing okay because “okay” is great during a time when so many things are upsetting. This is a great time to assess what works for you to help you preserve your peace. Think about things that take you away from technology or other tools that you interact with regularly. I picked up a paintbrush and the colors and designs that I created hit the canvas a lot different when I was doing such organic work. Find the little things that make you happy. For me, it was a few cheap bouquets of flowers that I picked apart and separated into vases that I found around the house.

Mental health awareness is something that starts with you and there is no one right way to address it. As the world enters a new “normal”- one that no one fully understands yet- it is natural to feel unsettled. It is expected for moments of uncertainty, worry, panic, and anxiety to come and even in those moments, you have a responsibility to make sure that you are okay before anything or anyone else. It sounds selfish, and I have been guilty of overlooking that essential responsibility to myself at times, but never forget that.

I wish everyone a safe and healthy Mental Health Awareness Month and I look forward to continuing to share with you in this space. XO, Tiye